Falling like the leaves in autumn

Sunday, June 27, 2010
12:36 AM

Sun, 27 Jun 2010

sean and yh is right.. i need a break. a break from all these worries. a break from all this heart pain..

Thursday, June 24, 2010
1:33 AM

Thur, 24 June 2010

First things first, Happy 22nd SEAN! u deserve nth but the best. all my heart and best wishes go to u! =)

i noe i've worried some of u.. but i just needed a way to vent my sadness.. to noe there's a way for my feelings to pour out rather than keep it in. it's healthier this way. and i thank u so much for those who've supported me and helped me to stay strong.. =)

i'm in no better position than where i was a few days ago. discussions abt my decision is just going no where. i'm the only person agst my parents which is nt even a fair fight. the talk always centers ard the same thing. the same ending pt. it feels like i've been stabbed a thousand times. i've made myself the rednose reindeer everyday, though its still far from x'mas. but i'm still holding on, the same beliefs even b4 my parents tried persuading me to stay. but yet, i cant go anywhere w/o their permission. i'm just trapped... literally trapped.

everything is a give-and-take. i go and i leave my family behind. i stay but i let my heart down. either way, it's not a win-win situation. both ways are wrong.. it just breaks my heart to noe my parents hav provided for me in the new house and i'll nt b there to enjoy it wif them. it kills me to betray them..

it's only been a wk since my last paper and it alr feels like a lifetime i've been lazing around doing nth constructive. no work. no aim. no entertainment. no life. just dead cold me. hands frozen all the time. slpin like a foetus under the sheets during the cold winter nights.

i only have 5 friends here in perth throughout my stay. some have gone back to their countries, others planning to soon. but the strange thing here is i dun feel very close to them. we hardly go out to have fun, everyone's busy wif their work. it's difficult to find a day tgt. i dun seem to hit it off wif australians very well. something abt me lookin weird/shy to them. well, i cant change who i am, i admit i'm shy and reserved. i'm quiet. i only warm up to pple once i noe them well. my dad says i can always learn self-confidence but the quiet me i can nv change. it's who i am! and will always be..

i'm ashamed to say that i hardly keep in contact wif my friends in sg. i'm so afraid the friendship is lost. and i'm stabbing myself for failing to maintain them. whenever i go back sg, i hav a feeling i'm missing out on many things when i meet up with my friends, some topics i cant comment on cos i dun study in spore. i'm slowly slipping from the same friendship we used to have.. i dun wan to lose everything i used to have b4 coming to perth, if nt i end up wif nth.. ='(

there's nth much here. the australians love to watch footy or go to clubs/pubs to chill. but that's not my lifestyle! i dun talk on the same lvl with them.. my topics and theirs are just too different that we cant keep a conversation running. i just dunno why its so darn difficult! i dun have a gifted tongue. i dun speak fluently or charismatically. everybody here loves a person who talks. but its just nt me..

this is nt how i plan to spend my time after exams. i'm supposed to be holidaying, laughing and enjoying wif friends!!! family!! taking or continuing a lost hobby. wadever!!! and wad am i doing this past wk? cooped up at home. tried to arrange an outing wif friends but failed cos of clashes in schedule. i've completed 2 thick bks in 3-4 days. and today, i'm thinking of wad to do. i'll tell u wad i did today. nothing.. i woke up late knowing i've nth to do, watched 1 hr of bachelorette cos there werent any other interesting chnls in the afternoon. spent some time eating. some time chatting wif mum, ended up crying for disappointing her.. again.. spent some time sitting on the carpet crying and staring into space. and here i am, blogging..

ok i'm done for the day. wads next tmr?

Sunday, June 20, 2010
9:28 PM

Mon, 21 Jun 2010

i'm listening to calming classical music right now, with sounds of waves in the background. given by my aunt for x'mas. but i'm nt feelin the least bit comforted. there's still a heavy stone in my heart. i still feel like crying. i still feel trapped. i still dun hav the guts to do wad i wanna do.

yes i've finished my degree.. been lookin forward to this day ever since i started uni but have also been dreading it at the same. It spells the day i've to start making impt decisions - whether to stay or go back. the past few days after my last paper hav been spent aimlessly. i've gt no work tho' i told my boss i can work another 2 more wks till i resign. guess she alr found another replacement.

all along, i knew my place was in spore. and i guess my parents noes it too. it was nv my intention to leave. i had to abandon everything to gain only a degree in australia. i lost so much.. i'm no longer the happy go lucky gal u see in the past, i'm now constantly filled wif worries and sadness. i'm torn btwn family and wad my heart tells me to do. i feel so horrible now. wish someone can just hug me..

wanted to broach the subject wif mum.. but it seems like she's counting on me to take care of my sisters while she goes back to spore on 4th jul.. and intends to only come back 26th jul. she asked me, "maine, can i hav ur permission to come back on 26th jul?" its so clear tt she wans me to stay. now my plan of tellin her i wan to go back wif her on 4th jul is now ruined. how? and elvin is comin over on 22nd jul which means amanda wun b free to take care of sharon if i do go back to spore. why must i b the eldest and b responsible for everything? =(

Here's my reasons for going back to spore:
1. Transport - the buses and trains are so convenient and fast
2. Food
3. Friends - miss all of u so much..
4. Boyfriend
5. Family - relatives, grandma
6. Shopping - it's a paradise
7. Comfortable - talking singlish, being myself, self-confidence
8. Weather - constant
9. A life

Here's my reasons for staying in perth:
1. Easy lifestyle - 9-5pm job
2. Immediate family
3. New house

Reasons for not going back to spore:
1. Stressful
2. No immediate family
3. Humid weather

Reasons for not staying in perth:
1. No friends
2. Food sucks
3. Transport sucks, but with a car it'll be much easier, not to mention its much cheaper to own a car here
4. No confidence, no sense of belonging, feel like a 2nd class citizen
5. Weather - winter
6. No life

My parents always say dun go back becos of ur bf, u can work in perth while he's studying, but i keep on telling them there're more reasons for going back other than my bf. i dunno how many times i've to tell them tt. my mum is findin ways to make me stay - keepin me warm for winter as i'm always complaining. i'm gonna break her heart if i decide to go back. i'm gonna sacrifice my family time and my australian PR. but one thing i can be sure, i'm nt happy here, except for family.

i wish there's a clear cut answer to everything. i wish i dun hav to think so much. i wish everything was simple. =( =( God, pls tell me wad to do.. i'm lost...........