Falling like the leaves in autumn

Sunday, June 20, 2010
9:28 PM

Mon, 21 Jun 2010

i'm listening to calming classical music right now, with sounds of waves in the background. given by my aunt for x'mas. but i'm nt feelin the least bit comforted. there's still a heavy stone in my heart. i still feel like crying. i still feel trapped. i still dun hav the guts to do wad i wanna do.

yes i've finished my degree.. been lookin forward to this day ever since i started uni but have also been dreading it at the same. It spells the day i've to start making impt decisions - whether to stay or go back. the past few days after my last paper hav been spent aimlessly. i've gt no work tho' i told my boss i can work another 2 more wks till i resign. guess she alr found another replacement.

all along, i knew my place was in spore. and i guess my parents noes it too. it was nv my intention to leave. i had to abandon everything to gain only a degree in australia. i lost so much.. i'm no longer the happy go lucky gal u see in the past, i'm now constantly filled wif worries and sadness. i'm torn btwn family and wad my heart tells me to do. i feel so horrible now. wish someone can just hug me..

wanted to broach the subject wif mum.. but it seems like she's counting on me to take care of my sisters while she goes back to spore on 4th jul.. and intends to only come back 26th jul. she asked me, "maine, can i hav ur permission to come back on 26th jul?" its so clear tt she wans me to stay. now my plan of tellin her i wan to go back wif her on 4th jul is now ruined. how? and elvin is comin over on 22nd jul which means amanda wun b free to take care of sharon if i do go back to spore. why must i b the eldest and b responsible for everything? =(

Here's my reasons for going back to spore:
1. Transport - the buses and trains are so convenient and fast
2. Food
3. Friends - miss all of u so much..
4. Boyfriend
5. Family - relatives, grandma
6. Shopping - it's a paradise
7. Comfortable - talking singlish, being myself, self-confidence
8. Weather - constant
9. A life

Here's my reasons for staying in perth:
1. Easy lifestyle - 9-5pm job
2. Immediate family
3. New house

Reasons for not going back to spore:
1. Stressful
2. No immediate family
3. Humid weather

Reasons for not staying in perth:
1. No friends
2. Food sucks
3. Transport sucks, but with a car it'll be much easier, not to mention its much cheaper to own a car here
4. No confidence, no sense of belonging, feel like a 2nd class citizen
5. Weather - winter
6. No life

My parents always say dun go back becos of ur bf, u can work in perth while he's studying, but i keep on telling them there're more reasons for going back other than my bf. i dunno how many times i've to tell them tt. my mum is findin ways to make me stay - keepin me warm for winter as i'm always complaining. i'm gonna break her heart if i decide to go back. i'm gonna sacrifice my family time and my australian PR. but one thing i can be sure, i'm nt happy here, except for family.

i wish there's a clear cut answer to everything. i wish i dun hav to think so much. i wish everything was simple. =( =( God, pls tell me wad to do.. i'm lost...........