Falling like the leaves in autumn

Thursday, June 24, 2010
1:33 AM

Thur, 24 June 2010

First things first, Happy 22nd SEAN! u deserve nth but the best. all my heart and best wishes go to u! =)

i noe i've worried some of u.. but i just needed a way to vent my sadness.. to noe there's a way for my feelings to pour out rather than keep it in. it's healthier this way. and i thank u so much for those who've supported me and helped me to stay strong.. =)

i'm in no better position than where i was a few days ago. discussions abt my decision is just going no where. i'm the only person agst my parents which is nt even a fair fight. the talk always centers ard the same thing. the same ending pt. it feels like i've been stabbed a thousand times. i've made myself the rednose reindeer everyday, though its still far from x'mas. but i'm still holding on, the same beliefs even b4 my parents tried persuading me to stay. but yet, i cant go anywhere w/o their permission. i'm just trapped... literally trapped.

everything is a give-and-take. i go and i leave my family behind. i stay but i let my heart down. either way, it's not a win-win situation. both ways are wrong.. it just breaks my heart to noe my parents hav provided for me in the new house and i'll nt b there to enjoy it wif them. it kills me to betray them..

it's only been a wk since my last paper and it alr feels like a lifetime i've been lazing around doing nth constructive. no work. no aim. no entertainment. no life. just dead cold me. hands frozen all the time. slpin like a foetus under the sheets during the cold winter nights.

i only have 5 friends here in perth throughout my stay. some have gone back to their countries, others planning to soon. but the strange thing here is i dun feel very close to them. we hardly go out to have fun, everyone's busy wif their work. it's difficult to find a day tgt. i dun seem to hit it off wif australians very well. something abt me lookin weird/shy to them. well, i cant change who i am, i admit i'm shy and reserved. i'm quiet. i only warm up to pple once i noe them well. my dad says i can always learn self-confidence but the quiet me i can nv change. it's who i am! and will always be..

i'm ashamed to say that i hardly keep in contact wif my friends in sg. i'm so afraid the friendship is lost. and i'm stabbing myself for failing to maintain them. whenever i go back sg, i hav a feeling i'm missing out on many things when i meet up with my friends, some topics i cant comment on cos i dun study in spore. i'm slowly slipping from the same friendship we used to have.. i dun wan to lose everything i used to have b4 coming to perth, if nt i end up wif nth.. ='(

there's nth much here. the australians love to watch footy or go to clubs/pubs to chill. but that's not my lifestyle! i dun talk on the same lvl with them.. my topics and theirs are just too different that we cant keep a conversation running. i just dunno why its so darn difficult! i dun have a gifted tongue. i dun speak fluently or charismatically. everybody here loves a person who talks. but its just nt me..

this is nt how i plan to spend my time after exams. i'm supposed to be holidaying, laughing and enjoying wif friends!!! family!! taking or continuing a lost hobby. wadever!!! and wad am i doing this past wk? cooped up at home. tried to arrange an outing wif friends but failed cos of clashes in schedule. i've completed 2 thick bks in 3-4 days. and today, i'm thinking of wad to do. i'll tell u wad i did today. nothing.. i woke up late knowing i've nth to do, watched 1 hr of bachelorette cos there werent any other interesting chnls in the afternoon. spent some time eating. some time chatting wif mum, ended up crying for disappointing her.. again.. spent some time sitting on the carpet crying and staring into space. and here i am, blogging..

ok i'm done for the day. wads next tmr?